journal

Life's "Reset" Button

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:15:21 +0100

Life is soooooooo not set-up to for starting over. Sure, it may have been that way in the past, but it surely isn’t that way anymore. Banks, businesses, everything is set up to have you trapped as long as they possibly can.

I’m at a point in my professional life where I am no longer fulfilled by what I do. It’s no secret. My co-workers, supervisors, friends… everyone knows it. It’s as easy to see when you look at me as the tattoos on my arms and the clothes on my back. I don’t have the love that I once did. I’ve spent the past few years trying to figure out a way to get it back, but somehow, I just keep finding myself further and further away from it.

The problem is, I can’t seem to create a situation where I can pause my professional life long enough to find another lily pad to leap to. For one, jobs are so hard to come by these days, you have to consider yourself lucky to have one and hold on to it like fiend wit a crack pipe. Second, people are in such need of jobs, they can afford to pay lower salaries. I’ve crossed the 30th-year-on-Earth mark already. I’m not taking a salary cut again in life.

Even if I was cool with the idea of taking a salary cut or missing a few checks while trying to find a new gig, the people I owe aren’t so willing. I got a mortgage loan that has jumped up twice in two years, and I don’t even have an ARM on it! I got a car note that comes directly out of my check, every check. Can you imagine the words they would have for me before and after they repo my whip??? I’m not even going into the lil’ man that has endless needs and wants. And there is no conversation to explain to a three-year-old why there’s no money available for Chuck E. Cheese…

It’s so hard going to sleep at night, knowing that the next second of life I see will be when I wake up in the morning. It’s hard rushing to get ready to go somewhere that you don’t want to be, ESPECIALLY when the compensation isn’t even compensatory.

Sometimes, we can expound on a situation without necessarily being able to solve it. That’s where I find myself now. Therefore, I will continue to lose myself in the sounds injected into my mind from my mp3 player, the feel of the conveyor belt of the treadmill beneath me, the taste of the sushi I treat myself to, the vision of the street I see from the countless hours I spend on my front porch, and the hope that a solution will soon present itself….

The Back-Burner

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:39:22 +0100

I was so close... so close to finishing my current book (Urban Lullabies, Volume 2). I often think to myself, "how can you pause a project that's so close to being complete?" Well, the answer is simple - personal preference and priority.

I became a sports addict at a very young age. Aside from Brylon, sports are probably the most important thing in the world to me. I love to compete. I love the feeling of knowing that someone looks at you and immediately becomes intimidated. Even more than that, I love when someone sizes you up, and you can tell immediately that they are underestimating you. I take that as a challenge and explode all over them.

When I wasn't competing, I was working out, preparing to compete. I love that aspect too. Most people have no love for the blood, sweat and tears that go on away from the spectators' vision. Not me! Love was instilled in me for that side of the game also.

Then one day, about five years ago, seemingly in the blink of an eye, that was all taken away from me. I began to suffer physically in ways I never thought I would. Things that I had taken for granted just vanished. It was a devastating blow to me. One week, I was playing tennis, basketball, football, weightlifting, etc etc etc... then the next week, I was in physical therapy. Over the next five years, I progressively got worse. I underwent more tests than I could ever dream to endure, and never was a problem specifically identified. Assumptions were made, but never proven. I was in a state of mental torture, everyday. I was in physical pain, everyday. And worse, no one ever fully could understand. It's hard for the average person to understand how an amateur athlete could be so closely bonded to his own "athletic career." No one could understand my personal loss. I remember a basketball game I played in at my job. It was in 2003. I scored 40 points, played the whole game, left there and went to the weight room. In 2006, I came off the bench in that game. In 2008, when the same annual game was played, I couldn't even take the court.

Recently, I decided to ignore everything said by the many doctors I've visited over the past half-a-decade have said, all the limitations they put on me. I disposed of all medications given to me by these men of medicine. I decided that I was going to lose weight and return to the old me. I decided I was going to learn how to eat right, learn how to take it easy in the gym and work my way from nothing to something, and you know what... it's working. I've already surpassed what almost every doctor has told me that I would be able to do. I've already lost about 30 pounds. I've already changed my entire lifestyle, personality and mentality, and I'm just getting started. I'm no where's near the goals I've set for myself, and I won't quit, I won't ease up, I won't even maintain until I get to those goals. So if some other things have to suffer and take a backseat in the process, so be it. I can only be me. At the end of the day, no one else is going to make it a priority to make me happy; therefore, I make it my own...

See you at the finish line...

Officer Friendly...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 01:17:34 +0100

While ridin around the city tonight, I saw something that caught my eye in a wonderful way. I saw six young boys on a basketball court in southeast DC. I also saw two uniformed police officers at the same park. I watched from the front of a line at a red light. After a couple of seconds, I realized that they were playing four-on-four. It was a cop and three kids on each team.

I remember when I was young, my friend's mom used to talk about how she didn't feel safe anymore, even though she had moved into a better neighborhood. She told me that she had been living in the neighboorhood for three years and had not met a police officer yet. She said that moreso, she hadn't even identified who the cops were who were responsible for our neighborhood.

I realized, sitting there observing from behind my steering wheel, how much of a difference communication and interaction make in our relationships with the law. Those kids probably feel protected by the law, safe in their presence. I never had that luxury. Other than Officer Friendly coming to my school when I was in the first grade, my dealings with the police have never been quite ...friendly. Therefore, I grew up viewing them as the enemy. To this day, I see police left, I go right. There are many people I think to turn to if/when things go wrong ...the police didn't make it onto that list.

Now that I'm teaching, I'm forced to work with police officers on a regular basis. They are terrific; however, they don't deal with De'Wayne Simpson, random citizen. They deal with Mr. Simpson, public school teacher. So I don't know if they would treat the first in the same way they treat the second. Who knows. Regardless, communication and interaction has given us a decent working relationship. Communication and interaction has done the same for the relationship between the police and those kids.

I wonder how we get to the point where that becomes the standard, block by block, around the whole city, and beyond?

Random Thoughts from the Front Porch...

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 04:07:24 +0100

Married people always questionin' why they got married
Single folk, they wallow in the fact that they alone
People stuck in life try to figure where they goin'
Vagrants wander wishin that they had their own home
The rich try to fig ure why their souls are so empty
The broke sit and think the same thing 'bout their accounts
It seems like nobody can ever find a median
Suffering from nothing or sufferin' from large amounts
The police supposed to make a brotha feel safe
If that's really the case, then they really a waste
A college education is "something you must get"
I got outta college ...but I can't get outta debt
Can't smoke, lungs... Can't drink, liver...
Now I'm a clean, sober, stressed out nigga
When I'm not stimulated mentally I feel ignorant
When I think too long I often hate the place my mind went
I'ma start bein a leader tomorrow, but then
If I don't know where I'm goin, aint it smarter to follow?
"Be a leader" ...everybody plants that seed
But just 'cause I'm willing, do it mean I'm fit to lead?
If u like it, u jockin'. If u don't, u hatin'
And I still can't figure why the news got ratings
"Its not about his money, house, clothes or car"
Please, without these, they don't know who you are
Welfare keepin' lazy MFs off the street
but I pay so much in taxes I damn near can't eat
My girl live a hour away, I wanna cry
'cause I can't go see her, the gas prices too high
They told me that teachin' would be a thankless profession
But I didn't know it was gon' be a charity session
I feel like I'm volunteerin'. My check is a joke.
I'm stressin' over the mortgage, but damn, ...I can't smoke
My mortgage jumped up like 300 a munt'
Now how I'm 'posed to cope without a blunt?
...I pay insurance on the 1st, 12 times a year
But when shit happens, them MFs "sorry to hear"
"...we don't cover this ...and we don't cover that"
You know how much they charge when u let the shyt lapse?
What happened to Tribe, Doug E. Fresh and Biz Mark?
Now it's just synonymous crack sales and gun sparks
What happened to block parties and fairs at the park?
Now its happy hours that turn to grindin' in the dark
And that turn to grindin' in the place that you live
And that turn to "naw baby, it aint my kid"
"I was drunk," "it was once," or "how u know that its mine?"
"If you think you trappin' me you musta lost yo' mind!"
When u complain, remember, somebody got it worse
Well somebody got it better, that's what I always remember
I work all week just to make it to the weekend
And what I'm lookin forward to? ...sleepin'.
I could stop now or I coul' easily continue
But folks, I got thangs to tend to
Deuces

The Price of Fame...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:29:54 +0100

Lately, I find myself frequently pondering the dark side of entertainers. It all began with Phil Hartman. Then Sam Kinison. Then Chris Farley. Then several others after research came into play. All of these entertainers died early deaths. All of them were said to be the opposite of their on-air persona. These were people who made millions laugh to the point of tears. But the jokes all began as tears of their own. What is the correllation between these dreadfully sad, angry, and depressed home lives and their ability to make the world smile in unison? i look at the Blues Brothers and SNL skits and wonder, how could John Belushi be so light-hearted and funny in front of the camera, then walk off-stage and need every drug known to man just to cope with day-to-day life? Is that why Richard Pryor was freebasin'?

And it's not just comics either. I look at all the famous entertainers who seemed to live in that same neighborhood. Billie Holiday, Jimi Hendrix, etc etc etc... Why does there seem to be such a direct connection between the heavenly image and the hellish reality? I love Lil' Wayne to death but sometimes I wonder, who is writing the songs, him or the drugs? Do drugs really make you artistic? I've listened to my white friends talk about all these famous rock-n-roll folks and how may drugs they openly abuse.

With my own demographic, the hip-hop community, we see the turn taking the drugs and hardship from the behind-the-camera individual to the dominant topic of their verses. 9 outta 10 rappers claim to be drug dealers as well as drug users. Since Tupac died, everyone seems to be dealing with so much pain... pain that wasn't there before. I dont think you should have to be an unhappy and deprived miscreant to enter the music world, but apparently, I don't know much.

I wonder what percentage of Hollywood is on cocaine... I wonder what percentage of today's rappers could be left in a room with cocaine and come out with crack... I wonder how many kids would be drug free if the Big Daddy Kanes, Rakims and Kool Moe Dees would have lived through the NWA takeover... I wonder if the new Ice Cube has influenced as many people in a positive way as the old Ice Cube influenced in a negative way... Finally, I wonder if positivity will ever sit in its rightful throne at the head of entertainment...

Self-Respect First... Cont'd

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:30:59 +0100

...I wonder what in the hell goes on in the minds of kids these days. I mean, I see at least one thing everyday that makes me think about that. In a typical day at my school, I will get less than eight homework assignments turned in per class. My smallest class has 28 kids in it. Baseball players wouldn't even be happy with that percentage!!! Not to mention, usually, 3 or more of those 8 appear to have been done in the hallway or at lunch. I feel like I've been broken. If I get three kids in one day who show me a stong effort, I feel like a success. And then when I leave that environment and repeat that sentiment, I realize how bad it sucks.

I've been teaching for eight years. I've had more pregnant students than pregnant friends and family! Where is the self-respect?

Remember when you were growing up, and you did something in front of company that you normally MIGHT get away wit, but because you did it in front of company, you got "disciplined" for it? I never imagined that's how it would be in the school system. I mean, it seems like kids only get in trouble when there are outsiders in the school to see it. What does that teach them? There is no discipline in schools anymore. I see kids fight and go unpunished. I see kids threaten and rob other kids and go unpunished. I see kids skip school to get laid and go unpunished. I see a lotta foul stuff. What I don't see is the discipline.

This comes to mind when I see things like the man who was shot in my neighborhood the other night. I think about his killer. I feel like I know him already because everyday, I see a child who is waiting for someone to show him/her where the line is that is not to be crossed, but no one does. We just let them "get away with murder" to the point that they actually begin to commit crimes... sometimes violent ones... sometimes actually murder. Can you blame 'em? If they can jump people, assualt people with weapons, beat on people, harass people, say whatever you want to people, etc... then why do they have any reason to think they cant get away with murder?

We blame music, movies and television for showing kids the wrong way. But what way are we showing them? Everyone knows that kids like discipline. Kids respect the one who draws the line and tells 'em that if they cross it, that's their asses. Somehow, we have gotten to a point where we punish the authority and reward the miscreant. I don't know how we got here, but somebody needs to turn this bus around an fast.

I recall one year having to assist a coworker in evacuating the building because someone decided to run around emptying a bottle of pepper-spray into the air. We knew the boy who was responsible, but we did nothng about it. We sent 5 kids to the hospital that day... and one adult. We taught him that there would never be consequences for his actions. Later on, I saw that kid on the news for stabbing a girl to death in Baltimore. You know who I blamed for that???

Self-Respect First... (response)

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:54:14 +0100

Just read your post and it reminded my of something I think about a lot: the fact that we give our selves too much credit as an advanced civilization. Just because we've made amazing progress in areas like science and technology and we have all kinds of fancy new shit that our grandparents never had people fail to realize how we're failing to evolve culturally/spiritually as we advance technologically. In fact ala Idiocracy it appears we're regressing. We spend all this time worrying about getting these kids ready for standardized tests we forget to actually teach them the intrinsic benefit of working hard to get smart and understand the world, not to mention a basic respect for life. Instead we force them through educational hoops in the form of a new educational initiative every year, that they correctly view as bullshit, and then that is what the rest of their life becomes. Bullshit. A series of hoops they need to bullshit their way through with as little effort as possible. Why? because we don't stress as a culture that hard work and intelligence are something of INTRINSIC value, regardless of whether or not it gets you rich. I'm no communist but when you just wave the carrot of get good grades and get money in front of kids it drives kids to look for shortcuts to money in the form of a rap deal, NBA contract or turning a trick behind a temporary classroom. If you surveyed our kids about whether or not they'd rather have a 70 IQ and make 500 G's or have a 150 IQ and make 60 grand they'd all go the Forrest Gump route. People need to wake up and realize we're more lazy, selfish, and cruel than ever and figure out how we can re-prioritize our society without becoming a bunch of hippies that abandon the good parts of our technological advances ie. internet porn, the microwave, and showers. Until that happens we will be dumb people whose lives have no meaning, so far as they can tell, which leads to crazy irrational decisions like shooting your wife at her church. Sorry for the length, you had a good post that got the wheels turning. I'll get at you soon.

Self-Respect First...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:30:42 +0100

The other night, someone got killed in my neighborhood because he made a u-turn and accidentally cut off another car. Not only was there no accident, but the man who made the u-turn paused to apologize to the guy that he cut off. The man who got cut off saw fit to draw a weapon to conclude this situation. Even though he apologized, he was still shot and killed in the driver's seat of his car, which at the time was also occupied by his wife and his daughter. This makes no sense at all.

The same day, a man went to a church in a neighboring county to find his girlfriend and shot her. She died on the scene. Police were close by and apprehended this culprit, but the one from the previous situation is still at large. What's wrong with you people?

There was a time when I was fascinated by the violent, steetlife personas, and there were even situations where I can say I was a part of it. But some stuff is just ridiculous. For a man to go to a woman's church on a sunday morning only to murder her... that would have been an unspeakable act at any time in my life. What bothered me even more about this was the fact that it's not even being viewed as a big deal. The news is kinda treatin' it like, "it is what it is... and in other news..."

It's just wild to me the things that get swept under the rug. I remember how hard I had to look (and still do) to find information on Megan Williams. For those of you who don't know, she is a black girl who was kidnapped and held in a shack in West Virginia by a group of white, racist bastards. She was kept there for about a week, during which time, they committed every horrific act they could think of against her. She was repeatedly raped, beaten, stabbed, pissed on, etc etc etc. It's difficult for me to write about and talk about, but she endured a lot more, so that's the source of my strength to do so.

What really gets me about all of this is the connection that I draw to my job as a teacher. Eight years standing in front of the class in a borderline Title 1 school and I have yet to face a group that I believe cares about their future... or their present for that matter. Of course they all say they do, but words mean nothing when the speaker is ignorant to their meaning. I have kids who refuse to read anything at all, no matter what level of reading it may be. At 14-years-old, these same kids tell me they want to be doctors and lawyers and so forth. I take that back. They tell me they WILL be.

I realized about two years ago why so many of our youth want to be in the NBA or the NFL or singers, rappers, dancers and other similar professions. It's not because of any true talent they believe they have. It's because they view these professions as ways to get rick without doing any work. That's not to say that these people do no work to get where they are or to maintain their position, but their work is not publicized. I was told by a kid recently that he was going to be in the NBA AND the NFL. Same kid quit his high school football team because practices were outside and it was too hot.

If what I see on a day-to-day basis is truly a microcosm of the real world, then I know why so many terrible things, such as Megan Williams sitiuation, can occur and be overlooked and ignored. It's because we have a rising nation of people who don't respect themselves. People who don't respect themselves don't get respect from others.

outta time for now... to be continued...

Lookin' N2 The Future

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 23:31:29 +0100

You know how people are always saying, "where do you see yourself in X years?" We have all answered that question, probably more times than we can even remember. For some strange reason, I found myself pondering this question a few moments ago.

There I was, sitting at my desk, turned to the side, watching Menace II Society. There was a time, when those images painted portions of the picture I called, My Future. But yet and still, there I was, sitting alongside my desk, in a room illuminatedd only by the blue-green lava lamp up on the shelf above my desk. I was halfway between the ember and plastic tip of a black-and-mild. I leaned back and drifted off into the mystified cloud surrounding me. And for some reason, that question floated into my mind.

Where do I see myself in five years? Well, I'll be 36-years-old, living somewhere south of where I stay now (just how far I don't know). I'll be working from my laptop, writing to no end. I'll probably be a pitch writer. It seems to be a lucrative career, one that I might actually be suited for. I can see myself spending everyday coming up with ideas for movies, tv shows, and so forth.

A lot of people try to convince me to go back to school. Everyone says I need my Master's Degree to go further, but I don't buy it. Since I haven't found any particular path I want to travel, how can I need anything to move forward? I think that's just the path that has been beaten into people's brains for so long, that everyone automatically regurgitates it when another answer doesn't automatically present itself.

I worked for the government... wasn't cut out for that. 8 hours a day at a cubicle was turning me into a vegetable. I worked in my field, the one in which I received a college degree, but that didn't work out for me ether. I realized I don't do well when confined. If I was a football player, I'd be Sean Taylor. In other words, I work great when I'm left out in space and allowed to just do my thing. I tried being a teacher, did it for 8 long years. But teaching requires a fire, and my fire has fallen to a flame, which is flickering to a mere spark, even as we speak.

So I know, when I make my next move, I gotta make it count. It's like when a thief says, "why waste time on the small hits. You don't make money unless you go for the big lick." I guess I'm just too much of an idealist because I still feel I should be able to achieve wealth by following my dreams whole-heartedly, not turning away from them.

I love kids. I love to write. I love to entertain. I love money. Where do I see myself in five years? ...living somewhere in the country, doing sometihng that allows me check off all four boxes. The picture's still not completely clear. I guess I can blame all the haze clouding my vision at the moment.

So... five years from now... where do you see yourself?